A drunken review of Hobo with a shotgun

Yep, you read that right. Hobo with a shotgun. Watch the fake trailer that made this a movie.

This trailer was fan made that won a contest for Grindhouse, the glorious set of movies made by Rodriguez and Tarantino. Before you start handing out academy awards based on that trailer alone and the title, read the review over at Bob’s bad movie blog. http://bobsbadmovieblog.wordpress.com/

The movie starts with the hobo riding the train and doing hobo like things. It’s basically the true story of the beginning of Ben Affleck’s career. He has everything; a harmonica, a stick with a bundle tied to the end and those crazy hobo eyes. The hobo rides into Detro… I mean, Helltown. Helltown has really improved since Eminem left, the streets are only slightly filled with trash, the town is run by a crime lord named Drake and the citizens live in fear. The hobo watches Ricky from Trailer park boys get decapitated while his neck is sticking out of a manhole through the cover, not by accident. After that, I have a new fear of manhole covers. This is when our hero is at his lowest. He has no home, no job, no money and he is in a strange new town where Canadians are decapitated at random

After the hobo watches those horrors unfold, he finds a pawn shop and a beautiful dream emerges. He dreams of mowing people’s lawns and living a peaceful life on well tendered grass. To make money, he tries panhandling across the street from Drake’s evil hideout. When he sees that some evil gutter punks are harassing other hobos and taking them into Drake’s bar, he equips ‘Sock Full o’ Quarters’ (8.76 DPS 8 SPD DUR 3/16) and enters the bar after them. Inside, he sees Drake and his two evil sons, Ivan and Slick, torturing hobos for fun. He also notices the hooker with the heart of gold, Abby, about to enter into non-marital relationships with Ivan. And she was probably going to get murdered. The hobo uses Sock Full o’ Quarters, it’s super effective. The hobo takes Ivan to the cops, where he learns the cops are in on the corrupt evilness that runs Detroi… I mean Helltown. They carve “SCUM” into the hobo’s chest and dump him in the trash can. This is when our hero is at his lowest. He has no home, no money and he now has some pretty sweet scars on his chest.

The hobo finds Abby, who uses her gypsy healing powers of whiskey to cure his cuts. Rutger Haur shines in this role as he somehow managed to learn hobo language and go on a crazy rant about bears. Anyway, the hobo gets money by chewing glass for the bum fights guy. Then takes the money to the pawn shop to buy the lawnmower (I hate the way both of the last two sentences are structured, but that’s the best way I can sum up). The pawn shop falls under attack from robbers, threatening to kill a woman and child. The hobo sacrifices his dreams of a lawnmower for the easily accessible and fully loaded shotgun hanging from the wall. After killing the robbers, he goes on a full on murder boner kill spree; killing pimps, drug dealers and pedphilic santa claus. The hobo starts getting media attention and Drake wants to set an example. So, he sends Ivan and Slick to burn a busload of kids. This sends a message to the residents of De… Helltown to kill all hobos on sight. This is when our hero is at his lowest. He has no home, no money and his hobo brethren are being killed in the street. Its a good old fashioned hobolocaust.

The hobo tries to leave town with Abby, but Ivan and Slick show up to hack saw some heads off. After the epic battle, Abby is badly wounded and the hobo has to take her to the hospital. Meanwhile, Drake has summoned The Plague (which are a Nazi version of Daft Punk minus the techno). The Plague shows up and kicks the hobo’s ass into a coffin that they take with them to their lair. This is when our hero is at his lowest. He has no home, no money and he has been apprehended by some evil robot fuckers.

I won’t tell you the epic conclusion. Watch this movie. It is fucking ridiculous. If you’d like to kill your guts (and a few brain cells) play the drinking game too.

Drink everytime

• Someone dies
• Someone says “hobo” or “homeless”
• A shotgun is cocked

Quote of the movie:

Abby: “You can’t solve all the world’s problems with a shotgun.”

The hobo: “It’s all I know.”

~ by Juan on September 26, 2011.