A drunken review of Ticked Off Trannies With Knives

To clarify, this is a movie. I don’t know any trannies (that I am aware of). And I certainly wouldn’t want to be around any trannies that are particularly upset and/or with sharp objects. So, it’s another bad (actually fucking terrible, but not as bad as Transformers 3) movie review with Bob from over at Bob’s bad movie blog.

When I was in high school, my friend The Hefe, was eating at Del Taco when a suspiciously hot and tall female drops a note on his table before walking out. According to the The Hefe, he looked at the note which read something like “Hey you’re cute. Call me” with a phone number. He looked up at the woman in the parking lot and when she turned he saw a giant Adam’s apple. He crumbled the note up and dropped it on the ground. I like to add a little ending to that story where the alleged she-male starts crying and calling him a brute. It’s a pretty touching tale of surprise and tragedy with an M Night Shymalan ending. Ticked off trannies with knives is not like this story.

TOTWK (secret of the ooze) begins with a crew of drag queens being catty and talking about different dudes they are eating and Mexican food they are banging. One of the he-shes, Bubbles, shows up with a black eye and the house mom has to help her with some makeup and a steak before she can go on stage. The stage show happens, and this is the first point Bob said “So… those aren’t girls?”

The Ed Wood crew goes to the bar after their intense dance number. Here they are served by a waitress named Helluva Bottom Carter. Get it? Two of the X amount of hermaphrodites convince our main tranny, Bubbles, to go to an after party for a double dose of dick. The after party is at a shitty warehouse where despite Bubble’s apprehension they walk right into a trap where our new villain, Boner is waiting to ambush them. Here’s the thing about boner. He’s clearly Bill Paxton.

Which means Bill Paxton has been killed by an Alien, a Predator, a Terminator and a Ticked off Tranny with a Knife (spoiler alert).

Trannies!? Game over man! Game over!

So, Boner Paxton kills all of the lady-boys in various methods including baseball bats and knives. And the scene fades to black.

Bubbles wakes up in a hospital with 2 of the 5 lopitoffofmes discussing how Bubbles is in a coma and what a tragedy it was. Like it was a terrible, supernatural dream that a group of people experienced and have now tried to forget about, except a  couple people survived and have now decided to never speak of again. This is where I have a problem. They should have picked terrible forshadowing dream or horrible tragedy that the cops can’t help them. The only explanation then becomes either the film takes place in Detroit with the cops from Hobo with a Shotgun (a surprisingly likely scenario) or Boner Paxton is the most brilliant, sexually confused rapist in the world. Instead, they explain nothing and hate Bill Paxton. How do you hate Bill Paxton? He’s so dreamy.

Even dreamier in the Canadian tuxedo

Bubbles gets patched up by Dr. Phil Latio and his nurse Connie Lingus (get it?) and Bubbles is ready to get back on stage. Only now s/he’s having flashbacks to the traumatic night which may or may not have happened.

Boner Paxton decides to start creeping around the drag shows again, to prove to everyone that he is definitely not into the cock. When Bubbles sees him s/he has a super flashback and decides that enough is enough. This is possibly the weirdest part of the movie, when Bubbles and the other Eddie-Murphy-chaperones go martial arts training in the forest with the drag club owner, Fergus. It becomes a bizarre spoof of Kill Bill with more gay jokes.

After the short training montage the best-of-both-worlds crew gears up, mostly in makeup (this is the second time, Bob asked “so… you’re telling me those are dudes?”) and stake out Bubble’s house. Boner shows up and our transgender heroes use every manner of sharp object to kill Boner and his gang.

It had every element of a Michael Bay movie sans the explosions. The story would have been ridiculously dark if it hadn’t been filmed on a VHS camera and been filled with bad she-dick jokes. I suppose there was some hidden message about beauty on the inside or something… The whole movie was surprisingly forgettable, that could be the booze’s fault. There weren’t any great jokes, they had to use cheap camera tricks for kill shots and the drag show parts seemed forced. But I feel bad, because the movie was clearly someone’s little pet project, I just don’t understand why. I guess it makes about as much sense as a Total Recall remake starring Colin Ferrel.

And really, there should have been some nudity. Those fem-dudes paid a lot of money for perfect tits they should show them off. No homo.

~ by Juan on November 9, 2011.